Singing, Even when the CD Breaks (The Final Entry)

The month of July has marched by in a lot of various ways. It has felt like I have been in a crazy whirlwind that won't let up and allow me to take a breather. I have arguably been the busiest I have ever been in my life and know that life probably won't be this intense for a long while to come. When we come to the end of somthing, it is only natural that we want to "leave well" and leave wherever we were "better then when we came". I have been no exception to this rule as I have constantly been thinking about how to say goodbye.

Within this hard push of packing-up, goodbye's, and exchange of emotions I have continually asked myself "how can I be perfectly remembered?" It is probably a human emotion that drives us to leave everything in perfect order and ride out into the sunset like an American cowboy film hero. Perhaps the event that most emphasized this feeling was my coordination of a choir concert at Old St. Pancras Church.

I have had the blessing to conduct a Children's Choir at St. Michael's Primary School this past year which has really been an eye opener for me. The 35 kids in the choir come from all kinds of different backgrounds and cultures which is typical for this part of London. However, many of the children come from very difficult home lives as well and at age 11 find themselves taking care of their younger brothers and sisters without much assistance from the parents. Thus, the stress that faces these kids is absolutley incredible, but they somehow continue to have a passionate energy about life. Most of the kids in the choir can't read music at all and really dont' know proper singing technique. Over the past year, I have been working with them in their singing and have been incredibly proud of their progress. So proud, infact, that I suggested to the headteacher of the school that we give a concert. My thought was to have this concert be combined with various parishoners doing acts inbetween the song sets of the choir. She quickly agreed to the plan and I set out to plan the event.

After a month of planning and rehearsals, the concert finally commenced this last week. "It's going to be perfect!" , I thought. The programs were made, people seemed to be excited to come, the choir knew what they were going to do, and all of the acts seemed to be in place. Ofcourse, my expectation of what the concert should be was a little different to how it actually turned out. First of all, half of my kids showed up late for our meeting and warm-up time, so we were forced to run down to the church in order to start the concert on time. Then, Daniel, a wonderful young man in the parish who agreed to announce the acts somehow thought that the concert was at another church.....so I had to start the show. On top of that, one of the parishoners who was doing a dance for the show missed what time the show actually was so arrived 10 minutes after the concert ended. One can imagine (especially if you have perfectionist tendencies like me) that it became quite hard not to scream AHHH!!! and march out of the doors to go home.

I have found this year particularly that God has unique ways in which God challenges people and walks with people. So where was God in all of this mayhem that didn't seem to be going right? With the children ofcourse. Infact, I can tell you that I don't think I have ever felt the presence of God in a more real way than when I was up directing those children in singing. In one of the songs (which was accompanied by a CD), the CD started skipping and had to be quickly turned off. "GREAT!", I was screaming to myself as we were midway through the song. "We are really going to mess this one up now....". As soon as I had thought this, however, Liza (a 7 year old girl who is one of the youngest in the choir) flashed me a huge smile from the front row and started to clap to the beat. Suddenly, the entire choir was clapping and smiling even more broadly as they were singing (now by themselves). Then the audience joined in the fun and was so moved by the song that they gave us a standing ovation right after the piece ended. I was absolutley flaburgasted....it was such a beautiful moment that I was shaking and had to work at not tearing up too much in order to get through the rest of the songs.

And so the concert ended with everyone in tears and in smiles. "This was the most moving concert I have ever been to at St. Pancras Old Church!", one of the parishoners proclaimed. "I haven't had such a good evening in a very long time!", another person said. The concert did not turn out to be smooth running or perfect, infact far from it. Even though I was getting wonderful hugs, high-fives, and compliments I knew it was the kids who deserved the real applause. They were the ones who walked with me in this journey and actually pushed me ahead at times when I thought I couldn't continue any longer. They were the ones who reminded me that we can still do incredible things- even if they don't turn out the way we think they should turn out.

As I was walking home from the event that night, it finally hit me that this is how my year in London has gone as well. The year in the Parishes of St. Pancras has not gone perfectly and totally to plan....infact far from it. Looking back I laugh to myself in how chaotic at times it really was- having Father Nicholas leave midway through, starting an interim period with no idea how to function in one, parishoners dying, having no heat in the church, and having communication problems with staff and parishoners. But yet, like the kids, God has walked with me and reinforced the fact of "Yes, I can do this". My choir reminded me that God perhaps is more in the imperfect than in the perfect.

It is also important to remember how that journey never ends. I will leave London with a new and challenged concept of ministry. As I come back to Minnesota, start taking classes in seminary as a part-time student, and working to get myself back into the essence of U.S. cutlure, I am reminded that ministry is far from over. God still walks through and with all of us in every chapter of our lives.

As I was saying goodbye to the kids for the last time, I was bombarded with hugs and kisses. Liza, the same girl who started to clap in the concert came up to me and gave me one of the biggest hugs I have ever had. After, she turns to me with a huge smile and said, "You know what my most favorite part of the conert was?!" "What?", I replied. "When the CD broke, but we all continued to sing!!" She then skipped away from me and prominently asked one of her friends "So!! What are you excited about for next year?!" It was hard to miss the excitment that exuded from this little girl as she entered into a new chapter of her life.

As this will be my last entry, I ask for your prayers as I come home and begin my new life in the United States. I pray that we all may be able to reflect on each chapter of our lives as well as to continue the journey knowing that God will always there. May we always be thankful for all of the relationships that help us to see God and this beautiful creation. And finally, I encourage you to try and not get hung up on the things that don't go as planned, but to always be open to God who is working through all of us and to "keep singing, even when the CD breaks."

Holden Evening Prayer London Style

Over this summer, it has been a goal of mine to put more creativity into my work here at the Parish of St. Pancras. Being a Pastoral Assistant can be the same kind of work over and over again which is no fun. Thus, I decided to bring a little of myself into the act of worship here. Within this big plan of mine was the inclusion of the Holden Evening Prayer service into a Sunday mass. Father Bruce was extremely supportive with this idea and gave me the go ahead to try it out.

Holden Evening Prayer comes from a Lutheran retreat centre in the midst of the Cascade Mountains in Washington State. It is an extremely rural place that lies at the end of a 10 mile long lake so the only way to get there (unless being medically evacuated) is by boat. Holden Village is comitted to rejuvinating the Christian worship service with music and issues of peace and social justice.

The first thing that I had to do was to explain to an English parish what Holden Village was. "Holden Village is a Retreat Centre in Washington State", I said. "Oh, so does your church go there for meetings then?" "Yes, but mostly for worship and meditation", I replied. "Oh...meetings are not very medatative... at least in the Church of England". I finally figured out that what Holden Village is in "English terms" is a pilgramage site, not a retreat centre. After I made this clear, people finally had an idea on what I was talking about.

Holden Evening Prayer is also a serivce that is built on silence as well as music. Meditation is extremely important and somthing that I have gained a lot from in the service. At the begining of the worship, we had a long silence before the procession in. "This is going to be great!", I thought. The service began with me processing in with a candle and cantoring which broke the silence. I all of a sudden heard a high pitched "NOOOOO!!!!" from the side of the sanctuary. One of the young toddlers who had come didn't get their way and began to yell and scream. We then began the Evening Hymn which is a wonderful and soft hymn to begin the service. The yelling and screaming from before irritated another baby on the other side of the room which started to cry. Pretty soon, the hymn "Joyous Light" turned into a chorus of "Joyus Cries". AHH!! "They are ruining the service!!", I thought. "This isn't what it is suppose to be". Then, during one of the psalms which is sung in a round setting, ANOTHER baby started to cry which screwed me up in my leading the song. All of a sudden, the round started to become chaos. After the piece, I sunk into my chair...... "this service is a failure", I thought to myself.

Afterwards, I was helping with refreshments and had a herd of people come up to me. "What an incredible service!!", one person said. "It was so moving and the music was incredible!", another person said. "Thanks..", I replied still thinking to myself that they must be making up these coments just for me to feel good. At the very end, Peter Deed, an older member of St. Michael's Church came up to me and asked if he could keep the service sheet. "Ofcourse", I said. "Good, because it will be going right into my scrapbook when I get home. Everytime I will see it I will now think of the incredible young man you are and how wonderful Lutheran worship can be! It really touched me", he said. I was flaburgasted. He was going to put the service sheet into his scrapbook?? Really? Maybe everyone was not making up these coments. Maybe it truly was an experience that people felt God's presence in.

I think that when we bring somthing of ourselves to another environment to share, we want it exactly the same and want it to change people in the same way that it changed us. I know I put so many conditions on to how this evening worship would be recieved that I percieved it as a failure even before it ended. In truth, people do see how important somthing can be to you and will gladly take part in it. They will be changed....only in their own way. Holden Evening Prayer was a sucess for this place. People were rejuvinated and refreshingly suprised at how they found God in somthing new. That, I have finally figured out, was the whole point.